SNS - Through the Conflict

I'm not going post all of this series like I did with the Mr. and Mrs. Betterhalf series, but I thought this sermon was especially good since we all fight with our boyfriends/girlfriends, fiance's, husbands/wives, etc. so I wanted to post it.

Visionary Love, Dream Sex; Sermon 5

"Through the Conflict"
Pastor Steven (Elevation Church)

Song of Solomon 5:2-6:4 (NIV)
{SHE} I slept but my heart was awake. Listen! My beloved is knocking: “Open to me, my sister, my darling, my dove, my flawless one. My head is drenched with dew, my hair with the dampness of the night.” I have taken off my robe—must I put it on again? I have washed my feet—must I soil them again? My beloved thrust his hand through the latch-opening; my heart began to pound for him. I arose to open for my beloved, and my hands dripped with myrrh, my fingers with flowing myrrh, on the handles of the bolt. I opened for my beloved, but my beloved had left; he was gone. My heart sank at his departure. I looked for him but did not find him. I called him but he did not answer. The watchmen found me as they made their rounds in the city. They beat me, they bruised me; they took away my cloak, those watchmen of the walls! Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you — if you find my beloved, what will you tell him? Tell him I am faint with love.
{FRIENDS} How is your beloved better than others, most beautiful of women? How is your beloved better than others, that you so charge us?
{SHE} My beloved is radiant and ruddy, outstanding among ten thousand. His head is purest gold; his hair is wavy and black as a raven. His eyes are like doves by the water streams washed in milk,
mounted like jewels. His cheeks are like beds of spice yielding perfume. His lips are like lilies dripping with myrrh. His arms are rods of gold set with topaz. His body is like polished ivory
decorated with lapis lazuli. His legs are pillars of marble set on bases of pure gold. His appearance is like Lebanon, choice as its cedars. His mouth is sweetness itself; he is altogether lovely. This is my beloved, this is my friend, daughters of Jerusalem.
{FRIENDS} Where has your beloved gone, most beautiful of women? Which way did your beloved turn, that we may look for him with you?
{SHE} My beloved has gone down to his garden, to the beds of spices, to browse in the gardens and to gather lilies. I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine; he browses among the lilies.
{HE}You are as beautiful as Tirzah, my darling, as lovely as Jerusalem, as majestic as troops with banners. 

1. The success of a relationship/marriage doesn't depend on if we (you) fight, but how we (you) fight.

• It's a good idea to discuss parents fighting styles so that we (you) don't relive their mistakes. 
• Marriages that last aren't strong because of the absence of conflict, but because the two parties love each other enough and love God enough to process through the conflict together. 

2. Conflict is the result of unmet expectations and unfulfilled needs. 

• Don't lock out Randy (your soulmate) by refusing to meet his deepest needs, no matter what the need may be. 
• For men one of the deepest need is the need for sex. And the most important need is the need of respect!
• Respect Randy (respect your partner). 
• For women (me included) the highest need is the need to be loved and to feel secure. 
• Is it possible that I (you) have shut out your partner?
• Don't lock the door on love!
• I am (you are) the only source of legitamate fulfillment that Randy (your soulmate) will even have {especially in the area of sex}.
• And when I (you) shut and lock the door on that, they have no other course of action. 

3. Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. 

• Good conflict techniques:
• Decide early on not to pick at each other and egg each other on. 
• Figure out how each person deals with emotions. 
• Back down when Randy (your soulmate) is upset and talk about it later when emotions are settled {it may be an hour or it may be a few days}
• Define the issue and determine if it's worth arguing about. 
• Watch my (your) tone. 
• Be respectful. 
• Don't interrupt. 
• Don't bring things up that have been dealt with in the past. 
• Stick to the subject and stick to the facts. 
• Apologize and admit when I'm (you're) wrong. 
• Don't argue when I'm (you're) boiling mad. 
• Watch my (your) timing. 
• It's not good to disagree or argue with a man when he's: tired, hungry, worried, ill, preoccupied, or pressured. 
• It is not my (your) job to be Randy's (your partners) conscience and tell him all about the horrible things he does.
• Leave it (the conflict, frustration, etc) with the Lord. If I'm (you're) frustrated take it to the Lord and He will work on Randy (your partner) on my (your) behalf.
• Don't require an apology in the middle of a conflict; there's a good chance it might not be as sincere.

1 Timothy 4:12 (NIV)
Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity.

• Bring it to God, and let God take care of it.
• It's not letting him get away with it, it's sticking God on him.

4. Leave room for God to change the heart.

• Always leave love on the lock.
• Only God can open certain doors.
• I (you) can't kick them down.
• Leave it to God to bring about change and justice.
• Appeal to a higher authority.
• I (you) make a committment and even if there is a lock on the door year after year after year leave love on the lock and stay faithful to God.
• Always love!
• What I'm (you're) fighting for is too important to walk away from.

Galatians 6:9 (NIV)
Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

Hebrews 12:3 (NIV)
Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

• I (you) and my (your) partner don't really know each other until you go through hell together.
• Follow the example of Christ.
• When my (your) sins locked the door on Jesus, He still pursued me.
• For a marriage to last we are going to have to fix our eyes on Jesus and the spouse we've got because that's all we get!
• There can be no backdoor, because if there is a backdoor we are going to be tempted to use it one day.
• Shut my (your) mouth before I (you) even think about talking trash about Randy (your partner).
• Stand strong in Christ. He is my (your) example. 

5. Make it right before the sun goes down.
  - Even if that means staying up until 3am {or later}.

Ephesians 4:26 (NIV)
“In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,

• Stay up as late as we (you) have to, so we (you) don't go to bed angry with each other.
• Pray together before going to bed; no matter how tired, how short, etc.
• Good example is having Randy (your soulmate) pray outloud for me (you) before going to sleep.
• Praying for each other, forces us to reconcile with each other by the prophetic words of the prayer.
• If I (you) sought after Randy (your partner), I (you) will always find him {no matter how big the issue}.
• When the two become one, seperation is not an option.

Song of Solomon 6:3 (NIV)
I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine

Matthew 19:6 (NIV)
So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.

Romans 2:4 (NIV)
Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, forbearance and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance?

• Absolutely have to raise the standard for marital committment and we have got to reinstitute the symbolic meaning of the one flesh union between a man and a woman and we have got to leave love on the lock and we have got to search for our spouse like Christ searched for us.
• Marriage is a picture of the gospel that God came to me (you) when I (you) could not come to Him.
• Jesus Christ is the Lord of our marriage and He is able to see us through anything.